Who needs a shotgun when you have a minivan?

This was a total American Pickers-style score. Except I didn't have to dig through 57 outbuildings. I found this huge (2.5 feet by 4.5 feet) enamel sign for "Mary's Cafe" at a local estate clean-out shop. I don't know who Mary is or if her cooking is any good. But I know that I am happy to have scored her sign, especially since my mother-in-law is named Mary. And Maeve's middle name is Mary. And my grandmother and aunt are named Maryellen. And I went to St. Mary's School for eight years.

And what's better than one sign?

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Wait for it...

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Wait for it...

 

Two huge signs for Mary's Cafe! The second one is a bit more rusty, but is still pretty cool. I'm trying to convince Chris that we need to hang it in our kitchen. But we might need to remove some cabinets and appliances in order to fit it on our wall.

Those will tide me over for a few weeks while the yard sales take a Christmas break.

Speaking of Christmas, if you follow me on Facebook, you saw the photos of my kids helping me assemble my vintage aluminum Christmas tree. I decorated it a few days later with some of my favorite ornaments.

It is a little sparse. I didn't add lights because I was afraid it would set the house on fire. I hung a few of my favorite Shiny Brites on it, along with a strand of glass-glittered garland that my mother-in-law bought me when I was in Yakima a few years ago.

When I bought the enormous lot of vintage Christmas ornaments from a stranger in October, one of the things I kept for myself was a strand of mini paper lanterns. I don't even know if they are really old, but I know that they look perfect on this tree.

The glittery Christmas village at the bottom of the tree is home to Lego Santa and his reindeer (found at a yard sale for a buck - with the instructions). And, yes, that is a helicopter on top of that house - I guess the reindeer aren't getting the job done fast enough. The Lego Christmas tree is an original creation by Maeve.

Speaking of reindeer, have you heard about about the one that we brutally slaughtered on the way to a Christmas tree farm a few weeks ago? For the life of me, I can't think of a better way to kick off the holiday season.

It was a nine-point buck that gracefully lept in front of our 42-days-old minivan. That deer ended up giving us some great presents this Christmas: a new hood, windshield, passenger side door, radiator and $6300 worth of other brand new parts for our brand new vehicle.

This is just the thing you want to happen on the way to a sleepover at your sister's house where you were planning to cut down a Christmas tree and drink hot chocolate with her two little kids and your own two little kids. We had hyped this up for weeks. Finn and Maeve could have cared less about Limping Blitzen. They were bawling about the cancelled sleepover.

There were many witnesses to the accident, but only one man stopped. He parked his pickup truck, walked over to us and asked Chris, "Do you want the deer?" Chris said no, and the man waited around for the cop to kill the dying deer so he could carry away his trophy. He didn't bother to ask if we needed help. (We were all totally fine, but he didn't know that.)

Blitzen had to be shot three times by the policeman because he simply refused to die. It was that final shot to the brain that did the trick. Which leads me to surmise that this was a zombie deer. He jumped onto our minivan in an undead attempt to feed on our flesh. I'm so glad we weren't bitten. That definitely would have ruined Christmas. I can just picture Maeve on Christmas morning trying to feed on all of the neighborhood kids while wearing her cute holiday PJs. Can you tell I've been watching The Walking Dead?

Anyway, we were standing around waiting for our nice neighbors to pick us up, and I realized that I had my video camera in my purse. I was bored and I have a blog and yadda, yadda, yadda...I taped the deer being shot (just the first time). I only wanted to tape the shooting in case the cop "accidentally" shot the douchebag deer poacher who was waiting for his prize. I'm not sharing the video because I don't want people protesting in front of my house while I'm enjoying my Christmas dinner (no - it won't be venison). And I would not like to be invited to the Today Show to be berated by Meredith Viera for taping such a horrible act of violence. (Even if it was against a zombie. I really should be praised.)

Here's a still shot from the video. It was far away, so you can't see much.

Once the deer was dead, the cop helped the douchebag carry the deer to his pickup truck. I hope that deer tastes like shit. Shit stuffed with maggots that have crabs. And I hope that all of your friends love yard sales and read my blog. And I hope they recognize you from the above picture. Now they know that the new deer hanging over your mantel was not killed by your amazing firearm skills. It was killed by a soccer mom driving a minivan.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Comments

[theresa]

Oh My God you should write for a comedy show! I laughed so hard I cried and that takes a lot:)

[sandy]

Its alot better to take that deer and eat it then just let it lay and rot like they do in our state Washington. Why so angry?

[freshvintage]

Sandy - I agree that it is better to eat the deer than let it lay there. The part that makes me angry is that he didnt even offer to call 911 or ask if we needed medical attention or if we needed help calling for a ride home. He just waited in his car. He basically hit the jackpot by taking that deer - I just wish he would have been a bit nicer.

[sue]

You're the new Amy Sedaris! Hilarious. Well, except the deer didn't think it was funny.

And those Mary signs are ASTOUNDING.

[Audrey]

People just don't understand that deer are not cute, they are an animal that causes a lot of damage to people and property as anyone who has hit a deer can attest to. And I am not even mentioning the damage they cause to farmers' crops. I am glad you are all safe. And I love Maeve's lego Christmas tree. Your sense of humor is great! And I love your vintage finds.
Merry Christmas to you.

[Megan]

Funny post! And I'm with Audrey. Think about the farmers! And as my grandmother in law used to say "Thanks God" none of you were hurt.

[Lisa]

Oh Colleen! Love this. Can't wait to read it to my hunter husband. Have a wonderful Holiday!

Lisa

[Stephanie]

Colleen, I am so happy that you and your family are OK after the deer crash. People don't realize how many people are killed or seriously injured each year by deer that dart into the road. Screw what happens to the deer! Your family's safety is what natters! I hope the venison is filled with bitter and gives the "hunter" the shits!

[Eleanor]

Colleen - Great story - and as a fellow Chester countian, I offer you my sympathy regarding the deer, and the mixed feelings that ensue. I hit one this fall also, but the car was driveable and it did not ruin a big sleepover. I don't know what happened to the deer. I had a collision with Blitzen's great uncle 20 years ago and the policeman had to kill it. No waiting hunter. I felt terrible. It is not their fault that the deer do what they do. But everyone was OK, you got those great signs!!! And your tree looks terrific! So - Merry Everything!

[Shockalulu]

Hi Colleen,

Glad you and the fam are a-okay. An incredibly unpleasant, but incredibly funny story.

I was on my way to an estate sale this fall and driving through a forest preserve when Blitzen's cousin jumped out in front of me. This was the first time I realized that deer are not like squirrels. THEY DO NOT LOOK FIRST, before crossing the road.

They are impetuous little zombies!

[Connie M]

I'm a newbie to your blog. I too love vintage and your blog is amazing!!!! Loved looking at all the way cool stuff you have collected. I'm a scrapbooker and love to use old ephemera on my layouts but my home is full also. Would love for you to stop by my blog. cn

[Betsy]

Wow, what a post. You had me all over the place. I'm drooling over those signs and your fabulous ornaments and then the deer story. I'm so happy to hear that you and your family are OK, what an experience. Then you had me laughing out loud with your story telling humor. Yep, I hope that dude spent time hovering over his toilet.

[deb]

as much as i miss the East, there are times to be glad to be living in the very rural Mid West and that was on hitting a deer.

the van was not drivable - in 15 minutes we had 6 people (cars) stop to check on us, the first fellow stayed until the deputy came, the deputy stayed until someone came to pick us up.

the part of your story regarding the un-shootable deer reminds me of jim carry trying to shoot the cow in "me, myself & irene"

[Lynn]

In Maine, if no one on scene takes the deer, local butchers will cut it up and it gets donated to the food pantry. I agree, that guy's social skills were lacking. Glad all were ok. People here do stop to help! East doesn't equal urban!

[Diane]

I LOVE your tinsel tree and the lanterns are a perfect touch, and I am so sorry about the deer incident bummer!

[karla]

The funny wooden thing is called a dibble and you use it to plant bulbs like tulips and daffodils. I love flowers and old garden tools. karla

[Ivo Beutler]

Poor deer! Three times is just torture! Maybe the cop didn't know where to shoot! Anyway, your car looks nasty in that pic. How did the body replacement go?

By the way, you should reaaaally hang that in your kitchen!

[France]

Wayne, I've been diagnosed with chnroic anxiety about 2 years ago. Now I am on medication and am undergoing therapy. I have started running (completed my first marathon last September) and have gone back to karate. Sometimes when I think back to the days when I was barely functional, my wife was actually thinking of taking the children and leaving me to my inner monsters. What I would like:1. A "I have anxiety" T-shirt.2. To contribute to your endeavour.Thank you!

[Cleiton]

Love, love, LOVE the deer heads! My husband got his first deer 2 years ago and I aawyls told him no deer heads on the wall, EVER. These, I can do though! I'm doing one tonight!